“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
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I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….