“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
🤣🤣
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.