I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
You Might Also Like
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol