*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room