If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
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Her: What鈥檚 for dinner?
Me: It鈥檚 a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn鈥檛 you?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I鈥檓 gonna order later isn鈥檛 here yet?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 馃檶
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Of course my summer body is ready, it鈥檚 the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I鈥檓 annoyed giraffes don鈥檛 eat birds directly outta the sky
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There鈥檚 only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can鈥檛 count, I can鈥檛 count!
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
i think we should see other cousins
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 馃槼
Bluetick 1: I know 馃槀 that鈥檚 just Twitter though isn鈥檛 it 馃檮
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love鉂わ笍
Bluetick 1: 鉂わ笍
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don鈥檛 get eaten by a wolf.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
necessity is the mother of invention
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They鈥檒l be waiting at the door when you return.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*