I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
You Might Also Like
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.