LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Google Pay be like:
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.