My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Ovenable?
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby