I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
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Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Very good news from my accountant
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Its a hippotatomus
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.