Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Doggies just call it style.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.