Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
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Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
When I pack too much for a short trip.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.