wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
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Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.