I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
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“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!