Britain be like
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Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Which wines pair best with gloating?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up