SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Mood.. 😂
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?