Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
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teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
welp
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”