Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
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Monday
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
j o i m p
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo