ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
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Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
That eye roll….
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Don’t we all.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*