One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
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I bet
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”