If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
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[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home