Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
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I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school