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I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
you know what ruined my childhood? children
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas