The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.