How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
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I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle