Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
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Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Does beer think about me too?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi