ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
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When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?