“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
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My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry