VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
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The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.