kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
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Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…