Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
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*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.