When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.