Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
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You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone