I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
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My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour