The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
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Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?