ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
You Might Also Like
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.