wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*