Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
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Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.