Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games