I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter