God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
October already? What’s next? November????
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.