WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
adam and eve had first world problems
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues