Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
How to properly lift a body
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling