deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
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It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Mouse
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”