Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
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I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If looks could kill
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.