The Bachelorette… but for cats.
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Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D