“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
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How about daylight saves us for once
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?