There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
concern
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.