People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.