A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
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My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
i choose….tongue
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?