Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Liquor Store Parking